Decoding “I Feel Fat”: What It Means And How To Deal With It

DECODING "I FEEL FAT": WHAT IT MEANS AND HOW TO DEAL WITH IT

9/1/2019

Learn what's underneath this body-shaming thought and how you can work through it to feel better in your skin.

WRITTEN BY DANIELLE LITHWICK, MA, RP

“I feel fat.”

The three little words that probably almost every woman has either heard from another woman, or uttered herself at some point in her life. And for many girls and women who struggle more intensely with food and body image concerns, they may utter this phrase several times a day, whether out loud or quietly inside, to themselves. [Sidenote: I want to acknowledge that people of all genders can struggle with negative body image issues and could benefit from this article, however in general, the female identity tends to be influenced the most by the thin ideal and body objectification, which is why I’m using the female perspective for this article].

But what does this mean?
What does a woman really mean when she says “I feel fat”?

The answer is complicated, but the good news is there are practical steps you can take to deal with it, both of which I’ll cover in this blog.
Let’s start with the more complicated “why”:

Why does a woman say or think “I feel fat”?

Before answering this, we have to understand first why “feeling fat” is considered such a bad thing. The answer: we live in a fatphobic society. People are shamed for being in a larger body and made to believe that something is wrong with them for not being able to shrink down to a thin (unrealistic) standard that we’ve all come to believe is “healthy” and morally superior, all of which is completely untrue. There is lots of research to support the fact that diets don’t work in the long run, and that BMI is not a good indicator of health. Yet, there is still a “war on obesity”, which essentially translates as “larger bodies should be eradicated”. That being in a larger body is “bad” and that they need to be “fixed”.

No wonder people are afraid of being fat!

It is a natural human need to want to belong in society, to “fit in” to cultural norms, and to be respected and valued. So as long as the thin body is valued more than the fat body, fatphobia will continue.

With that being said, it’s important to validate that when a person in a larger body says “I feel fat” not to minimize their experience of living in a larger body and the real, highly likely, encounters of discrimination and body shaming they’ve endured. Whereas when a person in a thinner body says “I feel fat”, their experience and feelings are still valid, but it may be related more to a fear of being fat, versus a lived experience of weight stigma.

But bottom line: fatphobia and weight stigma affects people of ALL body sizes and the phrase “I feel fat” perpetuates fat phobia and weight stigma, because it implies that being fat is “bad”.

OK, so one reason a woman may say “I feel fat” is because she is socialized to believe that fat is “bad” due to living in a fatphobic culture. The second reason a woman may say “I feel fat” is because she is also socialized to suppress any sort of negative feelings and instead take it out on her body or food because she’s been taught that her appearance is much more valued than her feelings (or personality and intellect, for that matter). She is taught that feelings such as anger, sadness, worry, guilt or shame, are “ugly” or need to be controlled in order to fit in and get along with others. She is taught that her needs don’t matter as much as the needs of others (i.e. men) and that the main way to get what she wants or be heard is through her body, not her voice. So her body and food become a really nice distraction from actually feeling her feelings or asserting her needs. Any feelings of discomfort, whether mental or physical, is translated as “bad” and the only way to “fix it” is to fixate and try to control her body and food, because diet culture has made her believe that being thin will fix all of her problems (see my resource list at the end of this article for inspiring books that go into way more detail on these ideas).

So “I feel fat” often really means “I’m feeling uncomfortable/angry/lonely/different/sad/unloved/disrespected/
overwhelmed/stressed…[insert any distressing feeling here], and I don’t know how to express it or what to do with this feeling, so I’m just going to take it out on my body because that’s what I've been taught to do”.

Are women conscious of this? Usually not. The thought “I feel fat” can be so common place and so frequently uttered, that it’s not even questioned by her or others. People around her may reassure her “don’t worry you’re not fat”, or “it’s OK, just start that diet tomorrow and you’ll feel great.” But these responses only perpetuate fatphobia and weight stigma, and don’t actually get to the root of how to deal with the real feelings underlying the phrase “I feel fat.”

Now, I’m not blaming women for saying this phrase or falling for the myths that diet culture perpetuates. No one is immune and this is a social problem, not one person’s or one individual’s problem. However, as an individual, you can start changing how you respond to “I feel fat” in a much more effective and way less harmful way.

Here are the practical steps you can take to deal with “I feel fat”:

Understand that this phrase is entrenched in fatphobia and is a harmful message, not only to say to yourself, but also for people of all body sizes around you to hear. [Sidenote: There is no need to beat yourself up for saying this phrase, that only adds to your distress and the self-imposed harm. Try to stay kind and gentle with yourself as you become more aware of the harms of this phrase].
Understand that there are most likely underlying feelings and needs not being addressed and expressed and that is what is bringing up a sense of discomfort in your body, not your actual appearance in that moment. Do you ever notice how you may “feel fat” one moment and not the other, but your body has not actually changed in shape or size? This is an example of how you may be translating your feelings onto your body.
With step 1) and 2) in mind, start asking yourself “What’s going on in this moment for me?” or “What am I feeling right now?” when you think or say “I feel fat”. What changed between 2 hours ago to now? Or between yesterday and today? What triggered the thought “I feel fat”? Stay curious and non-judgmental to your responses. This is a chance to get to know yourself better, to listen to your body and mind. Instead of avoiding what you’re feeling, gently invite yourself to get curious and discover something new.
Take some time to identify what it is you’re feeling. Hint: Feelings are usually only one-word. For example: angry, anxious, sad, mad, frustrated, overwhelmed, deflated, depressed ...etc. If you need help identifying what you’re feeling, you can use a chart like this. Try to get as specific as you can.
It’s important to identify what you’re feeling, because only then can you actually do something about it. You can’t control your feelings, but you can control how you respond to them. So once you identify what you’re feeling, you can then ask “What do I need in order to take care of this feeling?” It may be you just need to sit with the feeling. Maybe you need to talk to someone about it. Maybe you need to apologize to someone about something you feel bad about. Maybe you need to assert yourself to someone who did something unjust to you. Maybe you need a distraction and watch Netflix for a bit. Maybe you need a hug. Or maybe you just need a nap. The main takeaway in this step is that you are first acknowledging you have needs and that you are allowed to take care of them. Your feelings and needs are important.
Along with taking the time to identify your feelings and address your needs, also start to practice respecting your here-and-now body, even if you don’t like how it looks. Learn more about this from the Intuitive Eating principles.
Repeat steps 1-6 one thousand times or as much as you need. The more you can gently notice this harsh inner critic for what it is, and ask yourself “what am I feeling?” and “what do I need?” you are actually practicing self-care and self-compassion - the real antidote to body-shame and the diet mentality.

The truth is that “feeling fat” may not go away that easily and it can take time to dismantle fatphobia, start feeling your feelings and asserting your needs. This is hard freakin’ work. But it’s also a lot of work to continue to feel crappy about yourself and use your body as a battlefield.

So I hope that this post at least opened you up to the idea that you can’t “fix” your sense of “feeling fat” by imposing more food rules and body-shaming. Instead you can use the opportunity of “I feel fat” to remind yourself that nothing is wrong with your body (or other people’s for that matter), and to gently check in with yourself and explore what else might be going on that needs tending to.

There are tons of books on how women have internalized fatphobia and translated their feelings onto their body. Check out my resource list to start.

Are you struggling with eating and body image concerns? No struggle is too big or too small to get help!
I provide psychotherapy & counselling support for eating disorders & disordered eating for adults 18+.
In-person services are provided in Ottawa, ON.
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Disclaimer: Please note that the information in this or any other blog posts on this site is for educational purposes only and not meant to be a substitute for medical or psychological advice. Please consult your healthcare practitioner before making any changes. See full disclaimer here.